On Saturday, my lovely sister-in-law asked if I was excited to begin teacher training on Monday and in a daze I said to her, "I still don't quite believe it is really happening." It all happened so fast, literally three weeks - from the last minute decision to apply this year after many years of 'it's not the right time' and 'maybe next year' to the acceptance letter with an instant to-do-list of documents to find and course materials to read. All summer I have heard the impending click-clack of the emotionally rollercoaster I am on creeping towards the summit, just moment before you plummet.
Fast track to this morning, deep down there is still a small part of me that expects to wake up any minute and find that this is just another anxiety dream that I have been having all summer. I am awash with nervous energy- the kind where you hands can't quite rest and you become suddenly aware that you have been fiddling with your wedding ring so much its come off in your hands. I've already packed my bag twice, cooked a pasta lunch instead of my intended sandwiches and looked over the lecture PowerPoint again and then once more for luck. My husband finds the whole thing hilarious; chuckling to himself and saying things like "I wouldn't want to go back to my training year..." Gee thanks.
There
is the same kind of chaos in my thoughts; bouncing between a child's Christmas
morning excitement, that this dream I have chased for so long is here, and a
great sadness, that this is the beginning of missing things in my own
children's lives. Schools plays and sports days; learning new skills and
discovering the world. I know they will not be alone for all these moments;
they will be surrounded by people we love, who will step in to where I used to
stand cheering them on the best of times and guiding them the trickier moments.
It is a calming thought.
The
first steps are always the hardest. One day, perhaps I'll look back on this day
as a defining moment in my life or perhaps it will be just a stepping stone to
a bigger moment, like an engagement before a marriage. Either way, teacher
training here I come!